Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tale from the clothesline - true story.

01-31-clothes

Yes it's that time of year again.  You know, time to hang out the laundry.

Wait. 
What?
It's January?

That's what I thought too.  I think this winter is trying to get me to forget about winter two years ago *but I'm too smart for that*
(fyi I just misspelled "smart" har)

Here is that same clothesline, almost exactly 2 years ago.
12-9-snowstorm5

Winter... I'm on to you, you fickle beoytch.

But I mean that in a nice way, don't punish me please.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Missouri Sunset Haiku

So I've done the whole cow, chicken, turkey haiku thing, now it's time for another Missouri staple... the sunset.


Missouri sunset

pink to blue to black
a psychedelic rainbow
good night missouri


ok, that was too serious how about this one....

boogieman cometh
the critters come out at night
 hey! watch out chickens!


pretty picture pretty words
so awesome mah writin's be
I'll keep my dayjob

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Day got Murried.


See cute couple here:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Where manufacturers are going WRONG!! aka I'm gonna be a millionaire someday.

01-26-makeup

I recently succumbed to television advertising.  Yes, sometimes that crap works on me.  Most of the time it's just commercials for Olive Garden or the lure of a good bacon cheeseburger at Burger King.  But this time, it was makeup at the wallsmart.

Yes, this radiant, beautiful angelic face does not come to me naturally (I just make it look so easy dammit).

So I decided to pick up this "Instant Age Rewind" foundation and give it a go.  After all, who couldn't use a little age rewind. 

Let me say I LOVE THIS CRAP!

No, it's not because of the spf 18, it's radience, it's firming or not because it rewinds pretty much anything.  I still look pretty much the same except it's harder to see that blotch on my left cheek when you squint.  I would, however, love to age rewind back to 1987 and ask myself "WTF were you thinking!!" (and I'm not just talking about rolling my jeans at my ankles and backcombing my hair).

No, what I love about this stuff is it smells like cake batter.

really.

Which got me to thinking... that could really be an incentive for us short, fat, ugly women to put some makeup on our faces and spiff ourselves up.  Maybe make eyeliner smell like chocolate and blush smells like strawberry pop tarts too.

Contemplate on that for a moment... I'll wait.

OMG, I am so effing smart.  Why aren't I richer?
(I already have the beautiful part down pat)... haters gonna hate.

Now if we could just talk the deoderant manufacturers into making shaving cream smell like apple pie and mens' deoderant smell like bacon, the world would be a much better place.

Friday, January 20, 2012

How to make a munchkin omlet

We have just come out on the other side of our first molting season with the chickens. What this means is that the chickens will grow a new set of feathers, or part of their feathers. They might even get nearly nakie in the process (brrrrr). However, ours did not. Just your standard naked chicken backs.

In the process of growing a new set of feathers, the chickens have to save most of their energy for feathers, not much left over for eggs.  It was a frustrating couple months as our egg production went from 10-12 a day, down to 1-2 a day.  We almost lost our our egg clients!

So finally a few weeks ago, our daily egg count started to rise again, which is almost as egg-citing (har) as that first egg.  But kind of like that first egg that you'll get, sometimes a little weird one will pop up.

This time it was a super mini.


1-20-egg1

It was about 1/4 of the size of a regular egg, not much bigger than my thumb.  I felt confident there was no yolk in there.  Of course, I couldn't sell it to someone else, so we saved it until it was time to have Saturday morning breakfast.



1-20-egg2

Yep, no yolk.  Not much of a breakfast either.

Only a couple months until chicks show up!  Nope, we're not hatching our own this year (well, if they want to maybe).  We're going to buy chicks again to raise a new set!  Yay!

Boo chicken dust and chicken poop in the house.
:/

Thursday, January 19, 2012

10 Notable events

1. A little critter came to my house over the weekend.  There was much spoiling.


01-19-bailey2


01-19-bailey3


01-19-bailey


01-19-bailey4

2. I have a cold.  I'd like to blame the usual type of carriers - critters (see above) but I think this one was all me.

3. I was going to enter a photo in an art exhibition at the museum we're members of, but, I'm a moron and thought today was the last day to enter - it wasn't.  It was Tuesday. :(

4. I'm currently on my "no meat" quest.  No, we're eating meat, I'm just shopping from my freezers.  I haven't bought ANY meat in about 3 weeks.  I could in theory make it probably 2 more weeks - but this means I'd have to eat salmon and I just don't think I can do it.

5. I'm avoiding a job I have to do - talk to my telephone company AND my cell phone company.  Every time I get on the phone with them to change services, I about pop an artery.

6. Did I mention I have a cold.  May I whine?

7. I may or may not have company this weekend and my guest room looks horrible.  I have a cold. I want to sleep.

8. I had an ice cream sandwich for lunch.

9. Maybe I should cave and buy some meat.

10. Grocery shopping today!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Lil' nugget picture

Talyah

About a week ago I visited my sister and her new little one Talyah. Of course, I couldn't resist taking my equipment with me to get a few shots. We did ok for about 9 frames.

Really, just 9 frames.
Most of them look pretty much like this shot.

There's a reason why I don't do many newborns - I can't handle the stress. LOL.

I also know I can't handle 3 1/2 year old older sisters either.  God Bless my sister, the woman is an absolute saint.
;)


Friday, January 13, 2012

Holy cute!



Ever meet someone that was so unbearably cute you could hardly stand it?  Read more about Lauren and Lyle's shoot on my Cease Fire Studios blog.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Stuff that rocks! The future is NOW

For Christmas my loving husband bought me one of these bad boys. Love!

Wait. He didn't buy it for me.
I bought it for myself.

He just said "go buy it" after I kind of insisted it's really what I wanted that instead of the stuffed bear he was thinking of getting me. 

No.  Not a big old teddy bear.

A big stuffed taxidermy bear on a log.  That hangs on the wall.  Staring at me with it's cold dead eyes, only to awake and eat my face off as I sleep. wtf?
Yeah that's what I said too.

Rest assured, I love that guy.  He does have some pretty big quirks at times.  I still have not mastered what he's thinking.  I'm sure he says the same thing about me.

01-11-kindle

So anyway, pretend like you're old like me, and adventure to the inner recesses of your memory banks.  You there yet? 
Yeah, I lost part of mine back when I had toddlers too.

Anyway, I remember as a kid, thinking about the future and what things might be like.  I realized the other day, that the things I thought about were like the Kindle , nearly inconceivable, yet here we are today sitting on our couches or in a coffee shop chatting with people around the world, reading a book on a tiny screen.

Before you know it, phasers will be standard issue.


01-11-kindle1

This is so amazing really, the stuff that it can do.  I have downloaded a couple dozen apps which allow me to see things like the weather at a glance, the phases of the moon, keeping track of what I eat (meh), etc.  Almost anything you can imagine.

It's also connected directly with Amazon so it's easy to download books, magazine subscriptions, music, etc.  Like... too easy. LOL.

I now have a subscription to 3 magazines that I don't normally get the paper version of.  I think it fixes a problem for me!  I can keep magazines virtually forever if I want to, and there's no clutter.

01-11-kindle2

Of course you can use it for the really useful stuff too.  Like youtube and angry birds. :)

Tanner got me a really cool cover very close to this one and I bought a stylus which I have found very necessary with these apparently huge fat fingers of mine. The ones I bought are actually pretty good and a reasonable price.  No worries if I lose one.

Anyway, I highly recommend the kindle.  I absolutely love it!  I know the ipad is pretty awesome too, and I thought about it and I think I'd prefer reading books on the smaller "book sized" screen.  Plus it would fit in my purse.

I don't do big floppy purses. bleh.

When you think back to man landing on the moon (and I do believe that we did), think about this for a moment.  There's more power in a kindle, then what it took to accomplish a space mission.

Think my kindle could get me to say, Florida?  It snowed here.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Nebraska Furniture Mart is an EVIL PLACE!

This past weekend (New Years), we were invited to spend New Year's Eve with some friends of Gene's from high school.  However, when we got there the only people we knew were the hosts. 

I know.... branch out and meet people right?  Except the part where I suck at it.  So we hung out for a few hours and then headed back over to Gene's parent's house to spend the first bit of 2012 with them.  It's ok, we met great people, but honestly since I was designated driver, I was the sole sober person in a sea of lushes.  I was ready to get out of there.

Now something you should know about me, is that I'm a harasser.  I'm the person that will poke at you endlessly for a seemingly minor infraction for my own amusement.  (My poor husband has no self-esteem anymore).

I've been harassing my mother-in-law (Hi Carol!) about her couches for some time now.  Not because it's horrible... just because I can. ;)

(Don't worry, she still loves me.)

(god I hope so).

You see, the couches have lived a valiant life.  There's been a lot of butts planted there over their life span.  Every time I sit on the loveseat, I feel sleepy, so we have determined they must be made of chloroform and puppy fur and do some mild harassing about it in the process.

(maybe she doesn't love me.  Maybe she tolerates me greatly)

So we discuss couches, etc.  I determine that I'm taking my in-laws furniture shopping sometime in the future, because you know, it's always easier to spend other people's money.

(Well, even if she doesn't love me, I am pretty sure she knows I'm joking)

We end up chatting until the wee hours of the morning, off to bed because Gene has determined that 1-1-12 we're going to Nebraska Furniture Mart.  (just me and him).  If you don't know what NFM is, it's a spin off monstrosity from NFM in Omaha.  Man this place is HUGE.  Every type of furniture, electronic, appliance, kitchware known to man.  It makes ikea curl up in the fetal position.

As a person that generally hates larges stores, I haven't been a huge fan.  However, they have camera equipment there and not the walmart variaty crap either.  Like high end primes lenses that I can ohh and ahh over. 

So I was in.

We're walking around the store (somewhere in our 3rd mile), I am mentally spending my In-law's millions and millions (of yen) on cute furniture that meets their criteria. Then we both spot "it" at the same moment.  It's a lovely chair made of microsuede supermodels. 

No, really.  Cindy Crawford made it with her own bare hands.

OK, maybe she just authorized it, but it had her name on it.

Anyway, cream colored microsuede in a classic streamline shape.  It meets every criteria of furniture I have.
  • Must be firmly stuffed.  No floppy pillowbacks
  • Must have narrow arms.  I hate taking up valuable real estate with big fat arms.
  • Must be classic shaped - preferably mid-century modern feel
  • Must be a completely impractical color.
Because, you know, we have a teenage boy, 2 cats, a glass man that comes home head to toe filthy nearly every single day, 4 granddaughters and 16 CHICKENS.  So you know, "cream" is a totally practical color.

Within 3 minutes, we both determined we were buying it.  Nevermind we drove a jeep that day (without the trailer).  I announced that I knew for 110% sure it would go into the jeep.

We buy it.  We even pay extra for the scotchguard and warranty.  (because someone needs to be practical).  Drive around to the loading dock and empty the car:


01-6-nfm1

Yeah, all my other shopping excursions, suitcases and such just lay there all over the ground at the loading dock in NFM.  Glad I didn't have something totally embarassing.  
 
So after waiting what felt like forever, they come carrying out a box.
 
Wait what?  A box?
 
That thing was NOT going to fit, but I'll give them that they at least gave it a half hearted attempt.  Finally I instructed them to remove the box and shoo, because they were going to break the back glass in my jeep.  It doesn't matter if I'm married to a glass man at that point, that glass is expensive!
 
So finally, after some wrestling, cussing and brute force, we got the puzzle piece to fit.  You see, it looked a LOT smaller on the show room floor.   Maybe because the showroom floor is like 800,000 sq ft or something, and my house is 1500 sq ft? 
 
And my jeep is like 12 sq ft.
 
We get it home, cuss a lot more because that motha is heavy!  We almost didn't get it through the door (and don't get me started about the red scuff of paint or the tiny tear in the fabric on the back corner!!!!!   Yay for dry cleaning solution in a can!) 

 
01-6-nfm2

Behold.


It's so purdy.  I want to marrrrry it.

I had to rearrange all my furniture and ditch the rocking chair that never gets sat in.  We will dub this the no-spaghetti chair.  In fact, we might dub it the "no sitting" chair.

Except by me. 
Because I'm special.


So anyway, the point to this long story which could have been told in 4 words "I bought a chair", is this...  This was my penance for giving my MIL a hard time.  Not only do I go out to browse and end up with a chair I don't really need, it's completely impractical in the process.

I r smartz.


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Traveling down dead bread road

01-4-bread

I have found I have this new, uncanny ability.

Let me explain.

I live out in the boondocks.  Not really BFE (which for you that don't know, that stands for bum eff Egypt.  Except if you live in Egypt you say "bum eff Idaho" so we're even), but far enough out that it's a real pain when you run out of milk.

In fact, Gene and I had to compromise.  When we were first dating, we talked about living out in the country.  I always said I wanted to live pretty close to town because I didn't want to drive 14 miles for a gallon of milk.   He said he didn't want to live near barking dogs or thumping stereos and if we were out of milk, you could eat cereal with *WATER*.

wtf?

yeah.... uh, no.

So we compromised.  We live 8 miles out and I've been known to add a tiny bit of water to my almost full bowl of cereal (with milk) to get me by.

So anyway, to get to my house you're going the same route as people that live in Iowa.  We get a lot of shoppers down here because we gots one of them thare wallsmarts and they don't.

My point to this is that lots of people in Iowa drive pick up trucks.  Lots of people with pick up trucks put their groceries in the bed of the truck.  Lots of people with groceries in the back of their pick up truck lose groceries out the back when they turn north and pick up speed.

And this is where my new uncanny ability comes in.

I'm a bread loaf spotting MACHINE.  I can't stop myself from going back to pick them up because now it's too funny not to.

Yeah.. I know... it's certainly redneck of me, picking up road kill wonder bread.  But if it helps you sleep at night, I don't eat it.  I bring it home and feed it to my chickens!  Although I admit there's been a couple times it was tempting - you could tell it had only been there for minutes. LOL.

Hamburger buns, texas toast and plenty of wonder bread.  The chickens have said thank you for the 13 loaves I found in 2011.  (All of it was from this summer til the end of this year).  I'm going to break that number in 2012.  I think that's going to be my new year's resolution since I can't seem to keep any other ones.

Because of this, I have dubbed this little strip of highway "dead bread road".  It stems from a story my husband tells called "dead dog road" but trust me, you really don't want to hear it.  The ending is exactly how you might suspect.

Who wants a peanut butter sandwich!?
Grilled cheese?

anyone?
hello?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A message to the future

01-2-sunset

It seems appropriate that this is the last photo that I took in 2011. The sun sets on 2011.

Dear 2011,

I'm kind of sad to see you go, but at the same time, I'm not.  Onward and upward!    You were incredibly good to me in some respects, and in others I'd really like to kick in in the junk. 

Over all, you were mostly kind and thought provoking.  You made me happy and appreciative.  You reminded me of what's most important and inspired me to make more of my life.  So enough though a couple times I wanted to break up with you, I have decided that I'll keep you and claim you forever.

Love,
Lana


****


Dear 2012,

I have high hopes for you.  You're barely here already and I know you'll have much to get accomplished in your 365 days left (it's a leap year).  Being fresh and new always leaves you with excitement of the possibilities of the new year, and this one is no different.

I expect you to be kind, but not too mansy-pansy.  I expect you to be profitable but not gluttonous.   I expect you to be strong but not too hard.  I expect you to be creative and not too small-minded.  I expect you to be righteous but not pompous. And I hope for you to be happy, with no expectations at all on what route that will take to get there, because at the end of the day, the journey is half the fun.

Love,
Lana

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