Monday, July 4, 2011

socks, hidden letters, loneliness, etc. Stick with me, this is going someplace I swear.

Does your house implode if you don't do ... well.. pretty much everything?
Yeah, me too.

I do a lot around here. In fact, my husband said just this morning that he keeps making a list and the magical refrigerator fairy isn't bringing the food that he keeps requesting. Personally, I think I should kick her arse.

About a year ago, I kind of was feeling, you might describe as, a little taken advantage of. I don't remember exactly what happened to make me feel that way. Maybe it was laundry on the floor every day next to the hamper, or possibly it was complaints that the towels were still in the dryer. Hmm.. I don't know.
:/ Sooo, essentially I got kind of pissed at that whole concept and decided that I wasn't going to do this whole "laundry" process by myself anymore.

Dumping unfolded laundry on Gene's side of the bed met with a huge failure. It just sort of got stuck back in a laundry basket until individual pieces are needed, or, until Lana needs the basket again. Finally, I decided that at the very least, he could put his OWN laundry away. Does that annoy him? Yeah, probably, but he's never complained about it.

Because that would be really, REALLY stupid.

In the end, I felt maybe a little less taken advantage of and that's a good thing right?

Well, a few months ago, I was particularly in love I suppose (or insane), and I was putting socks away for him in the sock drawer. Now, something you ladies that may not be married yet, or are early in your relationship, should really know about men is that their sock drawer is their secret hiding place.

I promise if there's something that needs "hidden" or put away for safe keeping, it's probably in the sock drawer. Don't ask how I know this information, just go look in his sock drawer and you'll know.

So as I was saying, I was putting away socks, and I guess I'd pushed laundry day to the limit so there weren't a lot of socks in the actual sock drawer. There were, however, lots of other "things" mostly cards I'd made him, a tie, a belt, etc etc. But something jumped out at me. It was a folded piece of paper, and I could see through the paper that it was a female's handwriting.

Now, don't tell me for one second you wouldn't have done what I did. I was instantly like "interesting... what is *this*" I open it only to find this...


It wasn't a letter from his boss, or a client... or a secret girlfriend (because he's still alive). Nope, it was a letter of sorts from me.

"My whole life I felt like there was something missing. I had a hole in my heart, even as a small child. Not long after I met you, I realized that feeling had disappeared. It was then that I realized even as a little girl, my heart was missing you. You are my very best friend, and I promise that I will always be there to love and support you for the rest of our lives together."

I'd thought it was lost.
They were the vows I wrote to him on our wedding day, and I wanted to keep them to scrapbook them. I was so mad at myself because I must have put them down someplace and lost them.

But I didn't.
He had them all the time.

It's all true.
As a child, I always felt lonely. I had imaginary "friends" to play with when I didn't have my friends around. As I got a little older, that feeling never went away. I was confident when I was about 9 that I was adopted. I think every kid goes through that stage, but I was doing math in my head, trying to figure out how exactly that would be true.

Because I looked very much like my parents and siblings, I finally deduced that it just wasn't plausible and for me, all things must be plausible.

One day, I watched a show that was about lost twins, and how people were once a twin, but one had died, and they still longed for this twin... even if they'd never known them, or if they'd died before birth.

That was it! I knew I was a lost twin.
End of story.
End of chapter.
Case closed.

I continued to believe this clear into adulthood as this empty feeling never went away.

After I moved out of my parent's home as an adult, I sent off for my birth certificate. I'd never actually SEEN mine. I knew that'd answer that question once and for all and I could have some closure of some sorts. I was so disappointed when it was marked "single birth" not twin, and at that point, I just settled on the fact that maybe there was a twin that died before birth.. because after all, this emptiness was still there.

Then one day, after I had known Gene for a while, I was thinking back on my life and it hit me, that feeling had disappeared! It was then that I realized, that this whole entire time of my life, I'd not been missing another sibling, I was missing my soulmate.

At five years old, when I was feeling lonely and talking to some imaginary person in my head pretending like they were real, I was really missing a man I wouldn't know for another 30 years.

In a way, he is my twin. Almost on a daily basis I'll randomly think about something, and he'll bring up the same thing that I was just thinking about. About a month ago, I decided on a whim to make him sheperds pie for dinner. Big deal, except I've NEVER made shepherds pie in my whole life. He's never requested it since we've been together. He walked in the door and said "Are you making me Shepherd's pie!?"

It scared the crap out of him when I said yes.

So there I stood over my husband's sock drawer, thinking back to how I felt all those years without him. I got teary-eyed when I saw that that little letter that I read to him 3 years ago today, was so important that he picked it up and saved it in his special "hiding place".

Today is our 3rd anniversary. It feels like it's been a whole lifetime (in a good way), and I wish it had been. He gave me my anniversary/birthday gifts at the same time, which were 2 awesome pieces of art. I gave him a mini weekend trip to the Amana Colonies because he loves antiquing so much.

He is the best friend I have ever had and I'm going to be with him for all eternity.

dude can't shake me.


malia said...

Visiting and following from SITS! Enjoy your special day! Malia

The Girl Behind said...

This is a beautiful post. I know some of how you feel; I found my soulmate too, and I can't imagine any life without him now.

I'm having a little cry now. Thank you for sharing.

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