Friday, March 26, 2010

What it's like to live in Missouri

This post could also be titled "How Lana Thinks" as spending time with no one to talk to except for Mack and Jingles (my cats) on a regular basis, I tend to have conversations with thine self.

Cuz I'm cRaZy like that.
Shuddup in the cheap seats.

Observation #1:

I'm hell bent on flip flops. I reject the notion that it's 50 degrees out.

Didn't happen.
It's warm.
End of discussion.


Observation #2:

If you want to visit me, you're going to have to run the gauntlet. You see, there must not be a lot of tax dollars alloted to us hicks that live on rural gravel roads here in MO. We're kinda left to fend for ourselves.

I have titled this section of road "The Isle of Wonderment and Joy"...


... Cuz I wonder "Wth?" and there's no Joy in Muddville.

This is the road I live on. I've been informed that we have sink holes here, which of course makes me think of the sink holes in California that suck in multi-million dollar homes. (Or homes that used to be multi-million dollar interest only homes), not some lil' ol' gravel road on the outskirts of Missouri.

We handle this like most rural folk do. We drive around it and in the process create an island, AND a wider road. Can I get voted off this island please? It goes really well with Lake Wannahockaloogey in my driveway.

I went to town and when I came back, I saw that someone had come through and kinda graded it. Last year they dumped gravel on it the size of softballs - then that's it. Didn't flatten the pile out or anything.

It was quite an adventure. It was off roading of sorts.

That's the great thing about having farmers with blades as neighbors. Someone will get tired of it and fix it eventually. Or pitch a fit and call the county.

Oh wait, that's my husband.

Observation #3:

I decided that I needed things. Living in rural MO, when you "need a thing or 12" you go to the wallsmart.

So I go to the wallsmart and head off toward the trash cans. In the process I notice that faux leather capri leggings are on clearance for $3.00 and make an note to myself that "there's a reason for that." and "Who'd wear that kinda crap anyway?"

Then exactly 15 seconds later I see a woman with long gray hair, pumps and a purple sequined blouse at 2:30 in the afternoon, obviously ready to Par-tay.

Touche wallsmart. Touche. I kinda wanted to tell her I found the best pants for that shirt on clearance.

Then exactly 3 minutes later, and I'm loading my 2 new trashcans into the cart, a guy comes over and asks me to sell him a fishing license. I said kindly that I'd love to, but I don't work here.
Touche wallsmart. Touche.

Point well taken. I kinda wanted to go find purple sequin lady and ask her if she wanted to go shopping.

Observation #4:

And speaking of trash cans, is buying a trash can the equivalent of having a 3rd eyeball? You'd think I did by the observations I got at the wallsmart. After all, if you live in Mo and need a ginormous trash can, the place you go will probably be the big Dubya. Don't act surprised... it's not like I stole them.

Maybe people aren't used to putting their trash into a holding recepticle?
(must investigate this further)

Observation #5:

As I was going home, I was sitting at a stoplight at a "Major Intersection". I have to put it in quotes as it's not all that major, it's just the biggest. It also happens to intersect hence "Major Intersection".

Anyway, an ambulance is coming, and we're stuck at the red and can't move. A truck behind me pulls over to the side, but blocks the turn lane. The light turns green and everyone just sits there, waiting... except the ambulance is not going straight, he's trying to go right and well, we're stuck. I finally had to pull out my Kansas City card and start blaring the horn to the guy in front of me to move so we could get out of his way.

I'm not complaining.
Really (I know you find that shocking).

I was just thinking about how some places don't pull over for ambulances. Did you know we do that here in MO? Yeah. It's a safety thing, and respect. Even if they're coming from the opposite direction.

We pull over and get out of their way. We also sometimes say a little prayer for whomever is on the receiving end of that emergency.

Guess what. We pull over for funerals too. It's a respect thing. Even if they coming from the opposite direction. We pull over and get out of their way. We also sometimes say a little prayer for whomever is on the receiving end of that hearse.

So see, we're not all mean and snarky.
Just some of us.
That are hungry and can't fit into tiny faux leather capri leggings.

Wanna move to Mo yet?


Shannon O said...

I too am I'm hell bent on flip flops. ;) - Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife

Anonymous said...

I do the flipflop thang too, but I must have the THICK kind.
I solved the mudville problem with our road by baking a huge amount of chocolate chip cookies and delivering it to the county barn the day after they fixed my bridge on New Years' Day (it had a 6ft wide by 24 inch deep washout on the approach that would have eaten an axle. We called the Sheriff and he got the precinct boys out)
When I called them a month later because we had snot/mud 8 inches deep on the road and cars couldn't get through he said he'd put me on a list...then asked my address. I gave it. "Say, you wouldn't be the lady who baked those delicious cookies...?" Oh YES! I make killer cinnamon rolls too. He denied he was hinting for more, but I said I'd bake them anyway.

I had gravel by that afternoon.

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