Monday, November 23, 2009

hey Walmart.... Why ya always gotta pick on the fat kid?

I've been having a problem lately. Somewhere along the line, I aquired a nasty case of heartburn/acid reflux. No idea why this came about. Possibly... it *might* be that mcdonalds I secretly sneak about once a week. Or maybe it's that chocolate I eat once in a while... or possibly I've been stressed more lately than I have for a while. Or maybe, but probably not.... it's my stomach revolting against diet coke.

And I'm not giving up the diet coke.. not happening ... mainly cuz I JUST BOUGHT A BEVERAGE REFRIGERATOR! I'm sad. I know this.

Regardless of what the cause is, I woke up the other night with an experience I've never had before. Acid reflux. There was coughing and burning. Tums was a flirt, milk helped slightly, and my night ended with 2 pillows and a burning throat for 2 days.

Later, I bitched about it to Jim, and he suggested Pepcid. Why? Because he has the SAME PROBLEM. Dude. We have issues.

I, being the cheapskate that I am, refuse to pay like $9 for a bottle of fancy tums, so instead I bought the Walmart brand. I get it home, and unlike most of the men I know, I decided to read the actual directions for use.

How nice, there's a handy little list of things to do to help reduce heartburn.
-" Do not lie flat or bend over after eating". CHECK... Oh wait, let's define how long after eating. Cuz dude, I waited *six hours* You'd think that'd be enough time.
-"Raise the head of your bed." Oh helllll no. And all that valuable blood down in my feet? Yeah, that's what I need, a heart attack but hey, I won't have any heartburn!
-"Eat slowly and avoid big meals" - Next
-"Quit smoking" - Yeah, I stopped smoking when I was 8.

Then it was right there. It smacked me in the face like a small-ish mack truck:


Way to get right to the point Walmart. No "But you have such a pretty face" or "You have amazing eyes" not even a "you have such a nice personality". Nope... just "if your fat, don't be so fat."


Walmart, couldn't you be a little more gentle with your advice. You know what might have been better would have been "Hey girl, I know you're having some problems with heartburn, I'm soooo sorry, it's probably that pesky ex or something screwing up your awesome day. I do have another idea, tho, I mean, possibly, could it be that little extra weight you're carrying. Now don't get me wrong, you have an awesome ass, so if you lose some weight, don't lose any there cuz gurrrrllll you got it goin' ON!"

Wouldn't that be so much better than the four words of death, a stark reminder that only my senile grandma could possibly say any more bluntly.

In other news, we had deep fried tenderloins for dinner.

{this is why god made tomorrows, bowflexes .... and pepcid}

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