Are you a sheeple?

Friday, I had a minor meltdown. Now it was nothing I was going to slit my wrists over, but it was something that was eating me up a bit.

Gene came home and saw instantly that I was annoyed/irritated/hurt all combined. No point in denying that I was having issues at that moment, despite the fact that I assured him three separate times I was fine.

You see, I was feeling much like I was back in high school again. Remember that place? A time when very few ppl were "in" and the rest of us were "out". No matter how cute/ugly/fat/thin/athletic/dork/smart/stupid you were, you just weren't going to be "accepted".

I complained specifically about a group of photographers that I've been contributing to lately. Actually a couple groups. It's nearly impossible to come in at a later date and be openly accepted, especially when you're at the front end of a new business venture, what many others perceive as a Noob (newbie). I always thought that the best way to prove myself was to bring something valuable to the table when you can - and shut the hell up when you can't. For the most part, it's helped me along ok through the years whether it be making teddy bears, crafts, scrapbooking, etc.

BUT - No matter where you go, there's always someone that has already pissed a circle around their turf, and you are new meat trying to intrude. There will be hell to pay. Are you going to stick it out? or gather your toys and play elsewhere?

Well it depends. Is it some social group that the only thing you gain is friendly banter? Or is it more - a place where you can glean information that helps fit your needs. If it's the latter, sometimes it's been the best for me to dig in my heels and refuse to give up.

That's what Friday was. Do I say "Eff you all" and leave? Or, do I dig in?

I'll tell you what Gene's normal procedure is in a situation like this. He usually goes for the jugular and it is indeed a messy procedure. I liken it to a mama pit bull giving birth. It's going to be ugly and messy, but in the end, the results are the same. Just no one wants to see the process.

I on the other hand take a passive aggressive (and female generally) approach to such situations. I stew. I get pissed. I talk to said ppl in my head a whole lot (usually in an email format) and calling them ugly names. I might get with my girlfriends and call them bitches. Since I have no "girlfriends" really in this industry. I go back to bitching about it to Gene, who inherently wants to fix everything with the above stated process.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Instead, I choose to vacillate in my thoughts for a weekend, and here's what I finally determined what must be the issue.

People have their own insecurities. Doesn't matter how good or bad they might be in their trade, the idea that someone younger, newer, prettier, better, cheaper - whatever their rub is - comes along and by golly, it's going to grate on their very last nerve. Plus, there's that whole "peeing on your turf" situation and alphas rarely want to give that up. Female alphas in particular.

So instead of people looking within themselves and trying to solve what their problem is, they lash out at said new person. Discredit their every statement, talk bitchy in a snippy undertone, yet deny it's existence when confronted. If they are part of a pack, their pack will circle. Rarely will the band geeks (used lovingly) survive as they travel in quiet underground herds - pushing one out in front for the ritual sacrifice. (*sorry dude*) Maybe it's the rest of the underdog's survival mode kicking in. "I really really want them to like me." That then lets the lone wolf get sacrificed in the slaughter.

Separate the weak one from the pack, and the rest will survive another day.

Regardless of the reasoning, maybe some need to remember the saying "you don't need to blow out my candle to make yours burn brighter"

It makes me wonder if the mean girl high school attitude ever goes away. Do little old ladies in nursing homes bitch about who gets the better meds? My insides are screaming yes.

I've said on many occasions that I'm glad I was not skinny, rich and popular in high school. People look at you weird when you say stuff like that. Mainly, it's because I wonder if I would have turned out to be a real bitch that carried that on into the rest of my life.

You see, you may hate my online persona, but if you knew me in real life, you'd probably like me. I'm witty, funny, happy and an all around fun gal... at least that's what the therapist has asked me to say.

So I guess after it all, after being pissed that it's so damn hard to just get along with "my peers" (so very hard trying not to eyeroll here), I think I'm accepting once again, that it's ok not to be a sheeple (sheep+people = blind followers). Maybe it's ok once in a while to question authority. To not accept the status quo.

You also have to accept that eventually YOU are the one that's going to get separated from your herd.



On a lighter note

Now here's someplace that I am totally being a sheeple:


I want to crochet again....*whhhhhine*

When I was around 8, mom really got into crocheting for a while. She taught me how to do the basics, and I remember making scarves for myself, and lots of rugs for my dollhouse.

I suppose it's from all those cute baby wraps I've been seeing online, teeny baby hats, or the adorable scarfs that look like rows of cupcakes - or long snakes. Regardless, I was itching to try out some of my old moves. Cept I forgot the moves. Well, kinda. I can't read patterns, and I only know a few stitches so I bought the above books last week from amazon and they came yesterday. Both seem like awesome books.

Today I went to st. joe to pick up nothing life altering, and some yarn and a crochet hook.

Which is kinda sad considering I just sold about 400 skeins of yarn at my garage sale.
And crochet hooks.
And knitting needles.

Cest la vie.

It all had bad mojo anyway!

Tomorrow is a better day.